There there baby
It's just text book stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
Oh don't lose your head
Cause none of us were angels
And you know I love you yeah



I miss it. I just wish it was yesterday. I'm going to write a story. I have so many other things to do, but I'm ok with just expressing Liz right now.

I am in a mystical sad mood. I feel so disappointed in a way. I don't know. I'm just sort of wistful. Maybe a little wispy and dreamy. I feel like forgetting, but I just can't. I'm quixotic.

You know what I adore about shopping at the Salvation Army? I love finding value in things that people didn't want. There's always a part of me that is so proud of the fact that I've discovered perfection in what others saw as trash.

I wonder if we're worth a little less when used - or if we love just a little less. Maybe we value the love we possess even more because of our past failures? It would have been so much easier if everything would have worked out the first time, so we probably do value it - but it's a lot more inconvenient. I doubt love is supposed to be convenient though.

Maybe I wonder too much.
Maybe I hate too much.
Maybe I lie too often.

My lies are so nice though. If I told people the truth, it would be a disaster. It would make me a wreck.

I can't forget, so how can I expect others to forget?

Because I desperately want them to.

I think I need some alone time. I had a dream last night that shook me up. Nothing about death or terrible beasts, but continual indecision. I'm always a little worried about showing feeling, especially if it could change things. I'm sure no one enjoys change or exposing themselves to other people, but I'm just afraid of acting as if I'm hurt. I don't mind that I get hurt occasionally, but my greatest fear is that others will see how hurt I am.

Well, I have my test today at around 9:00. It goes until 3:30 pm. I actually like taking tests to an extent. I always have fun with it. The only bit that always eats me up is the math parts. Why am I not a math genius? Anyways, excellent day yesterday with Robbie. I missed him a lot. I had an odd dream last night. Francesca purchased many mice and hamsters, and I had two kittens. One was named Minty (the black one), the other was Enrico (brown and white). It was a very cute dream. I remember one of the kittens was wet and shivery and I cleaned it off with a small towel. I don't know why I'm so giddy about this. I'm not a very sensitive person prone to cooing over babies, but kittens are just - perfect. Anyways, I woke up at 7:00 because I originally thought the test started at 8. It's about ten minutes away from my house, so I shouldn't have a problem with time. I ate eggs this morning and Mum made me take some omega 3 fatty acids because it will apparently "feed my brain" which reminded me of a quote from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. I have everything ready for the test - I am wearing loose black sweat pants and my Crucible sweatshirt. A lens from my glasses fell out. We are purchasing a new pair of reading glasses before I leave, thank God. I have my hair up in a messy ponytail, which is starting to irritate me. I hope the reading test is first, that's always a nice way to start off the morning. I'm sure the math section will be second. I have terrible allergies this morning. I continuously blow my nose. I really hope they won't think I'm cheating and have all the answers written on the tissue. That would be clever. If they weren't covered in muck by the end of the test. I wanted to take a Claritin, but it always makes me very sleepy. I looked over - well, I glanced at my ACT practice test booklet - the math section, mostly. My highest scores on the PLAN were in science - reading and writing were about the same - and then math was my lowest score. Overall, I received a score in the mid/high 20s, so I'm ok with that. Well well well. I'm all ready to run off to Meijers - I think I'll brush my teeth again. I popped a few jelly beans into my mouth, and now I can feel the sugar coating on my teeth. After this ordeal, I'll go home, take a shower, and then invite the Robbie Bobby over and maybe see a movie if we have time.

_________________________________________________________________________________

later (at 5:30): Very irritated. Test was irritating. The woman who spoke to us reminded me of an old turtle - her voice was absolutely disgusting and crackly. She had these long pauses in between each word. She had difficulty reading particularly long words as well. She was intelligent, but irritating - and frightening in an odd way. I kept eating during the points when we were taking the practice test. Instead of listening to various explanations for each question, I skipped ahead and did all of the reading/comprehension sections. I finished and had a half hour with nothing to do but play games on my neighbor's graphing calculator. I currently have my Mother's sister Liz over and they're watching "Walk The Line" - a mediocre film, if I do say so myself. I really hate the voice of Johnny Cash - or anyone that attempts to sound like him. He sounds old and husky.

God, I'm feeling particularly critical. I believe it's because lately I haven't made an excessive amount of snide comments. I've been holding it in, venting to no one and feeling good about it. The practice tests made me feel somewhat satisfied. I did well.

So, Mrs. Brown emailed me - I have a 93 percent on my chemistry test - yay! the only thing that was difficult during the test was the periodic table. I could barely see anything. So yah. I had to hold it up to my nose and squint. I'm sure people noticed this. So, as I was in the car, being driven home from school, I told my Mother I needed teh glasses. She agreed this was a good idea. Now I have this wonderful small pair of reading glasses. I look quite adorable. Robbie should be home later tonight. I do have a practice ACT to do though ... augh. I don't need this right now.

Just a random note - everyone should listen to the song I am currently listening this. I saw it in "Flashdance" and was completely inspired. Another good one is Lifesize - A Fine Frenzy. I feel frantic. Dunno why. Maybe this is a small trace of happiness? Ugh. Still so confused about certain things that should upset me, but that I just like to forget about.

OK. So ... currently - all As - except for that stupid Algebra 2 class - I hate that class with a passion, I swear. It's so frustrating. I hate that I need to (I'm sorry if this sounds silly) truly devote time into the class. I HATE IT AND I NEED TO BRING MY FUCKING GRADE UP TO AT LEAST AN A-. Y'know, I think Robbie was right. I'm never satisfied with the grades I receive. I just end up feeling unhappy and don't really feel like I've accomplished much. If I have an A- my mind will constantly let me know that I could raise it up ... augh.

I HATEHDFJHDSHJKDFJHDGJDHUGJDHKFGJDHGDJHGDJKGS so much.

I don't know. I'm just so frustrated with that class. I had 100 percent on my quiz yesterday - but the test. augh. fuckityfuckfuck. I'm so unhappy.


anyways. I'm eating pasta. I made it. Not too shabby. I had a donut earlier. It was nice. I cannot wait until the weekend. Well ... besides the practice ACT - Robbie is really what I can't wait for. I've missed him. We haven't seen each other in over a month. teh.
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later: too much time to think think think. Homework is done. I'm just - really sad.
For a few reasons. I don't - well, I do know why. I'm just so angry and confused at the same time. I just feel like running and crying and a lot of other negative things that involve too much negative energy on my part. I'm not trying to be "whiny" I just really feel mad about particular things that I keep bottled up.

Maybe Evan was right. I do hate too much.

I was ill.

I am very upset.

I hope I won't do anything too brash.

I also am very busy.

Drown myself in work and maybe I'll have time to cool down - then again, I've had four hours to "cool down" and nothing has happened quite yet.

Godammit.

I'm pissed.

I hate that feeling one has when one reflects upon a particular moment. It's like this little sharp pain that makes your whole body hurt. I really don't like to talk about these sorts of things with friends, which is a-ok. I like the privacy.
Anyways, I finished all of my work and more - I finished a sign in/out sheet for theatre and the SADD poster design AND 3 creative looking thank-you notes + chemistry, spanish worksheet, math homework, current event, 2nd packet and speech outline. I feel thuper, despite the rage. And I meant to type "thuper", thank you very much.

I might be having a mole - making party this weekend. I know. LAME. yes. yes it is.

I'm alright. I understand everything I am learning in school and life is ok. I miss Robbie, as always. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks, which is probably that longest I've been away from him since we've started going out. It's very difficult, even though we are excellent communicators and call each other every day. I truly miss him. Friend-wise I'm fine. Leadership-wise, excellent. Theatre has been fascinating this year, what with the new makeup of the company. The attitude has greatly changed - the seniors are gone and it's our turn to make the ATC ours. Theatre is -in my opinion the only organization where the attitudes and ideas differ drastically from year to year. Leadership is pretty much the same. A few personalities stand out - one in particular being Gary - excellent sense of humor, very kind, and very sarcastic. A pleasant addition to the class. We desperately needed some good old fashioned snarky personalities without adding any more assholes to Leadership. I arrived in school at 6:00 am. Ridiculous. No donuts to greet my early arrival either. Poor poor Liz.
I had to study after school for a bit, went to theatre, called Robbie Bobby and then I finished my homework.

Deary dear, am I tired.

I was in a parade. I was stressed stressed stressed and now I'm just a tad bit unhappy. I wish I was a bit more cheery - it's the end of homecoming week, I have a lot to look forward to - eh. I'm very bothered. A little tired. I just really don't know what to sort out right now. I have a lot to do tomorrow and I can temporarily forget about this.